Respect People enough to provide Closure…
Closure: “…psychological term that describe an individual’s desire for a firm answer to a question and an aversion toward ambiguity. The term “need” denotes a motivated tendency to seek out information.”
No one likes to have things left undone, or watch a captivating movie but not see the end. Most people need closure and a sense that the chapter has ended so that they can move on. Unfortunately, life plays in such a way that we are bound to have our fair share of cliffhangers. We will be faced with those inevitable situations where there can be no closure, or at least not immediately.
But what about those times when closure is possible but we either deny or are denied that luxury. What do we say or do then? I read somewhere that when a relationship ends, we should always do an autopsy of the relationship in order to allows us to gain closure and step forward with an insight that facilitates improvements.
Sadly, there are some of us who are so closed up by fear and pride that we deny the people we care about, or once cared about, the right to closure. We fuss over things gone wrong and offer resolution in a dismissive and debilitative manner. We fail to see that not dealing with important matters can stifle us and others to the point of death. This death is slow, painful and to the eyes of the deniers; it is invisible.
We have to stop denying ourselves and others of the relief that closure brings and stop accepting situations where closure is denied. That’s why I am here. I thought about this for a while and I concluded that there are three things we need to do in order to gain closure. So let us look at them…
This is KEY. We have to allow for free flow of interaction that allows for healthy expression. People need to feel comfortable to deal. There are times when you will be able to speak to the person of interest and communicate freely and without insult or disrespect. Other times you may not be able to. So I suggest a mediator; someone you can trust to be free of bias and who will allow for the conversation to stay on track. We have to be big enough to admit when we need a little help.
Sometimes all the cards may be right but someone just doesn’t ‘feel’ like it. Indifference has a way of making us look cold, so we need to be careful of that. We have to find it in ourselves to consider another person’s feeling and not just shrug them off. Take the time to really listen to what the other person has to say, and show that you are listening. This could mean using a bit of what they said to you when explaining your point of view, or even just through eye contact or simple body language.
This is very important as well when trying to seek closure. We don’t all feel the same way about every situation, people are different and so are their reactions to the things that happen to them. You may not always agree on everything, so understanding is necessary when trying to move on. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and view things from their perspective. If you don’t understand something, it is perfectly okay to say that it, but don’t leave it there. Give the person your view on what they have expressed and allow the conversation to flow from there. Example; “I am not sure I fully understand what you are expressing. From what I gather, you are saying -X-. Is that it?” This will allow the person to know that you have been listening and that you care to understand.
When we don’t have the sense that a chapter has ended or a door was closed, the same issue may repeat itself in different forms in our lives.
There may be some weeds in our current relationships that stem from an issue we never really resolved or got over. To get rid of them, we have to decide that even if our hands get dirty, we will pull that weed out.
Well that’s it for tonight folks! I’ll catch you tomorrow.