When we lose something valuable, we can’t help but to think of what we would do to get it back, we can’t help but to think of how much it contributed to our lives. We become stuck in this place of wishful thinking, regret and guilt. We want to move forward, we want to break free but we can’t. We are simply stuck.
He steps into the room dressed in a suit and I am smiling for some reason. “What’s the occasion?”, I tease. ‘We’re going to church today.’ He replies in that final tone. I am not disappointed, I am fearful. I immediately start to tremble and beads of sweat decide to make their debut. In this moment, mixed with all the fear and terror, I know I can love my husband again, my heart is growing with compassion, love and respect for him. We are getting out of this.
“It is always hard to go through the pain of losing something, someone or any trial. It isn’t easy because not everything is. But as humans we live a very complicated life, but a life with hope, joy and peace just as much as the other bad things we can’t let go of. Every day we wake up, we go into the world holding on to things, some good and some not so good. Every day we punish ourselves holding on to all this pain, instead of leaving it at the feet of God. We hold on to these things that make us stuck, things that keep us from moving on in FAITH. Conflict will arise, Controversy will arise, and hard times will arise, but to deal with that, we all need courage and faith in God. We have to be strong enough to cry not without hope, but in good faith. We have to be strong enough to leave it at His feet and live life the way we ought. No, we are not saying forget your sorrow, we are saying take the first step required to move on. Be honest with yourself and God. Find the strength! Find the strength in God!”
Sitting here, captivated and moved, I don’t notice the tears and the warm hand on my shoulder. I cannot help but to hold close the place that was once a home for another life, two lives. I hold close the place that was once haunted by life lost. I hold close the place I felt ruined her. Right here, I am finally able to admit the truth, that I have been blaming myself all along and it is time to LET IT GO.