Freed From The Storm Cloud


When we lose something valuable, we can’t help but to think of what we would do to get it back, we can’t help but to think of how much it contributed to our lives. We become stuck in this place of wishful thinking, regret and guilt. We want to move forward, we want to break free but we can’t. We are simply stuck.

He steps into the room dressed in a suit and I am smiling for some reason. “What’s the occasion?”, I tease. ‘We’re going to church today.’ He replies in that final tone. I am not disappointed, I am fearful. I immediately start to tremble and beads of sweat decide to make their debut. In this moment, mixed with all the fear and terror, I know I can love my husband again, my heart is growing with compassion, love and respect for him. We are getting out of this.

It is always hard to go through the pain of losing something, someone or any trial. It isn’t easy because not everything is. But as humans we live a very complicated life, but a life with hope, joy and peace just as much as the other bad things we can’t let go of. Every day we wake up, we go into the world holding on to things, some good and some not so good. Every day we punish ourselves holding on to all this pain, instead of leaving it at the feet of God. We hold on to these things that make us stuck, things that keep us from moving on in FAITH. Conflict will arise, Controversy will arise, and hard times will arise, but to deal with that, we all need courage and faith in God. We have to be strong enough to cry not without hope, but in good faith. We have to be strong enough to leave it at His feet and live life the way we ought. No, we are not saying forget your sorrow, we are saying take the first step required to move on. Be honest with yourself and God. Find the strength! Find the strength in God!”

Sitting here, captivated and moved, I don’t notice the tears and the warm hand on my shoulder. I cannot help but to hold close the place that was once a home for another life, two lives. I hold close the place that was once haunted by life lost. I hold close the place I felt ruined her. Right here, I am finally able to admit the truth, that I have been blaming myself all along and it is time to LET IT GO.



Trapped In A Storm Cloud (Pt. 3 & Pt. 4)

“Your husband came in yesterday and he gave me this photo. I know this must be hard for you think of so it’s going to be even harder to talk about. But you just fell apart in front of me and I want to know if you are ready to talk to me about what happened, are you?” I nod because I have to save my strength.
“I try to breathe but it’s too hard. How many times have I lived through this moment? But somehow this felt different. I was still aching inside and crumbing slowly at the thought, but I needed to speak. It was time to deal with this.”
I must admit, I thought of leaving, just like all the times before, but it was if I was stuck to that chair by a force unseen and unknown.
“I’m not sure I know how to live, how to move forward. I am not even sure I know how to look at myself without feeling my insides crawling to my throat and stifling their way through me. I lay in bed and wonder how I function. I hear my phone ringing and as I pray for the strength to answer it but I can’t. I have not told anyone how I have been feeling. Few persons know I lost my baby and they keep trying to contact me to find out how I am doing. But how do I say ‘Fuck OFF!! I am not okay and asking me EVERY DAMN DAY won’t help!’ It’s my best friend who calls the most, she’s worried because I haven’t called her back, I have missed dates with her and others; she says people keep calling her to find out how I am. What could I possibly say to her. She is a mother of two with one on the way. How do I begin to explain that I am fading and that my heartbeat is too faint to recognize? I’m ready to tell her that I have lost many pieces of me and I will never get them back as they are buried in a place no one can find. I fall to the ground and I weep, not for what has happened to me but because I can already see how her eyes will gaze over my body, searching for the scars I have successfully masked. She’ll look into my eyes for the dust and the stone because she’ll know my walls are no more, she’ll know like no one else, the agony I have endured as I tried to be there for her. She’ll know how being in the profession I am is like pulling out a tooth from my mouth each day. But how will I start and will I ever be able to finish this alive? Could it be that the wall that shields my pain is the same fortress that holds my soul together?”
“Your soul is too big to be shielded by a wall your avoidance has built up for you. It is ready and waiting to surface, to purge the darkness it is harbouring and to finally begin to heal. You have lost not one but two little ones, and your soul is feeling as weak as your body. But you can build it back up, you can begin to heal your deep rooted scars.”
“How do I do that? I feel as if my body is being haunted by lives that should have been but never were. I can’t help but to think of how my life would be if they were here with me…with us. I cringe at the thought of being touched and when I am, I crumble. I am stuck in an endless tunnel and though I want to believe the light is up ahead, I can’t. But I still do want to believe, and somehow today, I am willing to start trying. How do I start?”
“You start by opening up…a little a first and as frequently as you can. That is how you start.”
As Alicia arrives, I look through the window and I fight to breathe.
I hand her the chest that holds much more than it should. As she opens the chest and looks at me with nervous wonder, I know she already sees someone new before her, someone so torn it hurts to stare. She sees a dress, she sees the blood and she knows instantly, her best friend was now buried deep in the memories… Maybe she was never really there all this time.
He enters slowly and looks around the restaurant he ponders should he just go to a table or the bar when he sees her, a smile that seemed to make his heart soar. He walked over to her and she looked at him and suddenly they knew, this will be forever. “Hello.” She says nervously as her friends sit puzzled because they never knew of her having a boyfriend. “Hi, I just came in and I saw you and I know it may sound corny but there was no way I could leave without at least hearing your voice.” She smiled and again he wasn’t able to feel his heart beat but he knew he didn’t need to, because she had it and it was safe.
“I have always searched for a reason to believe that there was hope for tomorrow, never did I expect I would find the answer in a woman’s smile. The way you seem to make me better by just being here is incredible. When I make mistakes they don’t seem fatalistic because you make me feel I can fix it. I touch your chest and I feel your heart beat and I know if that song ends, I will lose the ability to be. I stand here with you today promising with every fiber of my being that I will love you, care for you, cherish you and protect you. I pledge my heart to you my love and every day I have left.”
She runs into the bedroom and kisses him softly, he moves, she sighs with relief. “Wake up honey, its really important.” He opens his eyes and there she was radiating before him, he knows instantly it’s going to be a good day. He holds her, kisses her and listens to her give him the most exciting news. She waits for a response and she nervously bites her fingernails. He smiles and says, “This is the best day of my life! We’re gonna have a baby!!”. This would mark the beginning of the best and worst 2 years of their lives.
“Babe! I got Chinese so I hope you’re hungry.” He waits. He waits. As he races up the stairs he knows she has broken. He breaks down the door and pulls the shower curtain and sees her curled up on the stoned shower floor and he holds her, kisses her and her tears seem to sizzle when they touch his skin. He knows its happened again and feared that this time she won’t be coming back.

“Babe! Hun, open your eyes!” But he knows, he feels it, she won’t open her eyes because she is losing, she is falling apart. “Honey please, fight this, don’t let the music end.” For a moment he is there, crying silently in dismay, in relief, in utter confusion. Then she opens her eyes, ‘I’m trying…’ As those words lift him through the clouds; he starts to believe that they are going to make it.

As I lay on the bed, I find myself spilling to him all that I have been hiding. I show him my chest filled with painful memories and forbidden dreams and he falls. I know what he is thinking, ‘how could I have been so blind? Is it that I saw and knew but felt it best to pretend not to? As I hold his head close to my heart, it’s not the same; it is distant, not comforting…we can’t fix this alone.

I open my mouth to speak and he lifts his head and stops me. With this look, he takes the burden of my shell and he decides to carry it…he sees the remnants of what use to be on my skin, but he knows we will get through this…for better, not worst.


Trapped in A Storm Cloud (Pt. 1 & Pt. 2)

She stops in front of the mirror, she stares and spins around. She frowns and starts to cry. It’s a routine that could never be broken; she sees her face and is blinded by that night. She laughs and hears her piercing cries. How can she get pass this? They see her moving along and think she has it all together, but if they ever found out what she’s hiding beneath the smiles and the glitter; if one of them ever decided to stop and ask her that simple question, they would open Pandora’s box.
      Hot breath scorching her neck, hands that seem to burn straight through her skin. She feels the tears, she feels the aching. She hears her whimpers but she is not there, she doesn’t know the girl that she hears. How can she ever get passed this?
      “Hey!” She tries not to be afraid as she slowly turns to greet the voice that crept up behind her, she catches a glimpse of her best friend and breathes a sigh of relief. “Hi” she says, trying to be normal but she knows, she sees the look. Soon everyone will know, soon they will figure out what she has been trying too hard to hide. They will see it as if it were a mark on her face, a stain no detergent can ever remove or even fade. How much longer can she pretend? Will they ever figure it out? Will you?
“I have woken up yet another morning, drowning in my tears; the pain that’s in my heart is enough to bring the storms and crack the earth. When you try to hold close to an idea that keeps slipping away, you start to wonder what’s the point in fighting through the landslide? I can’t stop the feeling, I can’t seem to get out of this skin that holds me to this devastating place. I can’t seem to fix this loop that has been going for far too long. I can’t seem to forgive my heart for this feeling and my mind for its inability to mend.”
I run to the bathroom to expel and pray one day I may able to rid myself of the misery inside me that never seems to end. I hope, but it’s never enough because I don’t feel I can ever truly believe again.
I try to stay alive by breathing, struggling and muddling through. Will I be able to put my skin on right side today? Will they see what I have to cover up? Will someone look into my eyes and see the hurt beneath the curtains that only the rain can reveal?
Since the day it happened, I have been going to therapy to work through the pain. But how can I really explain the feeling of such a deep loss? How can I explain the emptiness within me, a place that once held so much life? When I think of that day and the days that have followed, I see nothing but blurred lines with no direction or sign of purpose. I have not been able to stop my sessions, like a bad habit I can’t break, I continue to come here.
I take a step forward and turns the knob… Today marks the fourth month since I started seeing Dr. Watkins, of course no one knows where I go each week… I have never been able to say out loud my reason for being here, not since the first day I came in with my husband. But we continue to pay for these sessions not because I get to talk about the horrible truth I carry on my back each day, but because I get a safe space to cry, sigh and simply scream without judgement.
Today was different somehow, I could feel it.
As I sit on the couch, Dr. Watkins pulls out a picture. I can’t stop staring; “How did you get that?” She says nothing.  “Oh my God! Answer me! Where did you GET THAT PICTURE?” -no answer-
Looking at the brightness in my eyes, the smile on my face and the curve of my stomach, I try to muster up all my strength to quiet the storm inside me. All the pain seems to have turned the walls gray and the sky opens up. Today is different. The wind howls, the trees start to shed and, even the birds seem to be mute around me.
“Let’s talk about your baby.”
And just like that….I CRACK!